Scanxiety

SCANXIETY

No, this is not a word that belongs only to the urban dictionary.  Anyone who has been personally affected by cancer knows exactly what this word means....

“Scanxiety”:  the emotional distress and feelings of anxiety and fear that consume you whenever it is time to have routine scans to check for cancer growth progression.

Once you've heard the words that your loved one has cancer, it is always on your mind....'gosh, when is it going to come back? Are there symptoms of a recurrence I'm missing?"  I catch myself over-analyzing William's behaviors "Gee, William has been falling a lot - what if the neuroblastoma has spread to his brain?  It seems like his hip pops a lot...what could that mean?  He's had a difficult time settling to sleep for the past 2 weeks....oh no....its back!" and on and on.

Scanxiety is always on your mind to some degree, sneaking into your dreams and everyday thoughts like an unwanted infestation.  But it becomes a whole new reality when you get the call with your scan schedule from the hospital.  Then, when you turn your calendar to that scan month, it becomes even more of a reality. 

It's certainly difficult to address these fears. Part of you wants to remain optimistic and carry the torch of "We've beaten cancer!" whereas another part of you is immobilized in fear and another part wants to remain in blissful denial.  Other times, I almost feel a sense of survivor's guilt, especially after you meet more and more families who have lost or are loosing their child to the same disease my baby is beating.

To stop my mind from doing this repeating circular thinking, I try to rationalize and ask myself the bottom line: “Do I really believe I can do anything about whatever the scans will show?”   As difficult as it is to admit, I know I have no control over the test results....or even what our future foresees through William's long-term health.   It's the utmost feeling of helplessness...no matter how well I try to take care of him, how much I would sacrifice to make him better or the ends of the earth I'd travel to seek the best doctors and treatment possible....we have no control in the matter.

Admitting helplessness is certainly not easy to do, especially for people like me who seek to be in control and to plan my future... unfortunately, it is a reality of the whole cancer experience.

The rational side of me knows that spending endless hours in high anxiety is merely robing me of enjoying the most precious commodity we possibly have - time.   I do the best I can to remind myself to stay living in the present moment...not allowing myself to feel hurt from the past or fear what the future will bring. 

So, I tell my scanxiety - those scans will be what they are going to be...

 no matter what...